Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

Product Information

DeWall, C. N., et al. (2011). So far away from one’s partner, yet so close to romantic alternatives: Avoidant attachment, interest in alternatives, and infidelity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(6), 1302–1316. Relationship self-help books centered around monogamy can be unhelpful as they, along with the rest of the world, come from a mono-normative perspective that views non-monogamy – either as a lifestyle or an identity – as pathological behaviour stemming from insecure attachment. Domingue, R., & Mollen, D. (2009). Attachment and conflict communication in adult romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26(5), 678–696.

You are the source of your happiness, love, courage, emotional regulation and purpose, and the sooner you can release your partner from being the source of these experiences the better for everyone involved (metamours included)...You must be a priority in your own life. Secure attachment with yourself means being aware of your feelings and desires, as well as being able to tend to your own needs and knowing how to advocate for them in relationships." I wish I'd read this at high school. I wish all my friends had read this at high school. It would have saved us a lot of pain — the pain we dealt to others, the pain others dealt to us, and the pain we dealt to ourselves.

Gusmano, B. (2019). The kintsugi art of care: Unraveling consent in ethical non-monogamies. Sociological Research Online, 24(4), 661–679. https://doi.org/10.1177/1360780418816103 Kolmes, K., & Witherspoon, R. G. (2017). Therapy with a consensually nonmonogamous couple. Journal of Clinical Psychology. in Session, 73(8), 954–964. The end of each chapter is further equipped with guiding questions, tools and pragmatic resources to continue one's path of self-discovery even after the end of the reading. Waters, H. S., & Waters, E. (2006). The attachment working models concept: Among other things, we build script-like representations of secure base experiences. Attachment and Human Development, 8(3), 185–197.

Ein-Dor, T., & Hirschberger, G. (2016). Rethinking attachment theory: From a theory of relationships to a theory of individual and group survival. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 25(4), 223–227. I found the fourth and fifth point really interesting and it’s a shame that Fern did not dive into them. The book did not cover much ground at all on them. On the fifth point, I do resonate with it. I find it hard to untangle my feelings and motivations to pursue a non-monogamy identity and lifestyle from other parts of who I am, some of which I am already aware of, others of which are rapidly being made known to me – my queerness as a commitment of how to love and as a political stance, my avoidant attachment style which makes it relatively easy (at first, at least) to detach myself from my pals and (potential) metamours, my strong feelings against traditional, nuclear, heterosexual families stemming from feminist perspectives and personal trauma history, the realisation that the gendered way I have sex with my current partner is socially conditioned and also a way to cope with past sexual assault experiences (of no fault of his), and that I would like no longer to relate to my body and loved ones that way, and a deep desire to never stay still. I think I consider that a crisis of deconstruction. Fraley, R. C., Vicary, A. M., Brumbaugh, C. C., & Roisman, G. I. (2011b). Patterns of stability in adult attachment: An empirical test of two models of continuity and change. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(5), 974–992. One concept the author touched on that I'd never seen before, is our childhood attachment patterns might be MIXED. We might have had one parent/adult to whom we enjoyed a secure attachment, and another who was inconsistent, even abusive/traumatic. As this translates to polyamory, we might have one partner to whom we are securely attached, and another with whom our attachment is anxious, avoidant, or mixed, possibly because they push those same buttons. This was tremendously helpful for me.

Katz-Wise, S. L. (2015). Sexual fluidity in young adult women and men: Associations with sexual orientation and sexual identity development. Psychology and Sexuality, 6, 189–208. Blakely, T. J., & Dziodosz, G. M. (2015). Application of attachment theory in clinical social work. Health and Social Work, 40(4), 283–289. Four stars, adding a half because of the final section on secure attachment with Self, and rounding up to five because so much of it hit home so aptly. Much of this is material I know; but like all such, I just need to be reminded sometimes, or to see things a different way. And the clincher: I finished the book, and am writing this, one day after performing my every-year-or-two psychedelic tune-up, this time a solo ritual in the mountains with the intention (chosen months before even starting this book) of exploring my self-love. The final sections, which I read today, are giving me tools to work with.

Read the book for the second time this year and - having now more concrete ways to implement Jessica's counseling in real life - I found it even more useful and enlightening than the first time. Reiterate every single word I had shared in my previous review! (below) For people who are new to nonmonogamy, this may give some questions to chew on, and it may be helpful to get you more oriented in the world of nonmonogamy, but it's mostly for people who are well into it and working through more than one important, emotionally committed relationship. Brennan, K. A., & Shaver, P. R. (1995). Dimensions of adult attachment, affect regulation, and romantic relationship functioning. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 21(3), 267–283.As the title suggests, I read this book because I've been curious about non-monagamy and saw that Polysecure is meant to be relevant for all romantic / sexual relationships. And it is! In many ways it’s an advice and self-help type of book, but given from the experience of a practicing polyamorous therapist. Possibly because it's the middle of the pandemic, and my reading brain isn't as sharp, but the beginning chapters of the book were a little dry and hard for me to get into. However, the middle and ending were both more readable, and helpful. Ten Brink, S., Coppens, V., Huys, W., & Morrens, M. (2021). The psychology of kink: A survey study into the relationships of trauma and attachment style with BDSM interests. Sexuality Research and Social Policy, 18(1), 1–12.