Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

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In general I guess I have a problem with things, people, views, methods that are either too extremist or too generalizing, or both. One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send. Easier said than done; I get it. But you must make an effort if you want your children to behave naturally, be real at all times, and learn to make good decisions without someone imposing their opinions on them. So as much as I agree with dear Alfie that children should always know they are loved, and that it is important to treat children with respect, to try to understand where they are coming from, that we, as parents need to reflect on what we are doing and why and how we can do it better, I just don't believe that rewards, limits or praise is always a bad thing, or that behaviorism got everything wrong (but neither did they get everything right), and that by setting boundaries or using exterior motivation techniques children will automatically end up question wether they are loved or not and with serious self esteem issues. People who can –and do- think about how others experience the world are more likely to reach out and help those people-or, at a minimum, are less likely to harm them.” Perspective. Try and see the world from the child’s point of view. Show them how to think about other people and realise they have feelings and thoughts too and are the centre of their universe just like you're the centre of yours. After talking a little about how war is a “monstrous failure of imagination” Alfie then goes on to say “Less dramatically, many of the social problems we encounter on a daily basis can be understood as a failure of perspective taking. […] To work on seeing things as others see them is to live a very different sort of life.”

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punish…

With no power struggles, there will be a significant reduction in arguments, fights, and conflicts because parents no longer feel the need to lord over their kids. While traditional parenting styles may protect kids from mistakes and getting hurt, these methods often fail to nurture the decision-making abilities of children. Instead, traditional approaches instill the fear of making mistakes in children so that they grow up to be insecure and always second-guessing their decisions. You’ll Feel Better About Parenting Most parenting guides begin with the question “How can we get kids to do what they’re told?”— and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking “What do kids need – and how can we meet those needs?” What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.However, by showing unconditional love and support, you understand your child’s frustration and heal it rather than causing more pain by punishing the unwanted behavior.

Alfie Kohn - Unconditional Parenting

Most parenting guides begin with the question “How can we get kids to do what they're told?” and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking, “What do kids need—and how can we meet those needs?” What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them. The good news is that you can expect several important benefits from adopting this parenting approach. However, as you’ll see below, there may be some challenges down the line. You’ll Raise Independent Kids To be fair, I already practice a lot of what Kohn promotes. I am well-schooled in human ability, brain development, etc., and that schooling allows me to reason appropriately at different stages with my kids. Indeed, reasoning with kids becomes more effective as they (very slowly) gain more ability to reason. If you’ll like to resolve conflicts, reduce misunderstanding, and feel better about your parenting decisions without power struggles, keep reading because practicing the principles of unconditional parenting will help you achieve all of these and more! Understanding the Concept of Unconditional Parenting I often find myself nodding my head in agreement while reading parenting books, because I tend to gravitate towards books that align with my current beliefs that just need some fine tuning. This book, however, did not have me nodding in agreement throughout. Although the large ideas in the book were already things I strongly agreed with, many parts of the book challenged me. Alfie had me questioning things that I believed to be "best practice" in both the classroom and at home with my toddler. When starting this book, I put a lot of focus of how my son behaves, but now I focus on our relationship and how I want that to look right now when he's 2 and when he's 40. I recommend this book to all parents who are looking for ways to foster a positive relationship with their child that honors and respects the child as their own person. Go into this book with an open mind. Chances are you will have to put aside things you've done or seen done for years.

Are you kidding me??? So if I tell my child I love her, I actually don't? Because it means I don't show it? Parents tend to forget their humanity when relating with their children. However, parenting from the perspective that you’re always right doesn’t do much to help your child’s confidence.