Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

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Simon, E. P., & Baxter, L. A. (1993). Attachment-style differences in relationship maintenance strategies. Western Journal of Communication, 57(4), 416–430.

Research reveals what makes work relationships strong and healthy—and the small actions you can take to deepen them. Bairstow, A. (2017). Couples exploring nonmonogamy: Guidelines for therapists. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 43(4), 343–353. Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist, public speaker and trauma and relationship expert. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love. and the later chapters revisiting attachment theory practically, in the context of relationships you might be in, provide some nice exercises/prompts. I learned abit here, including how much of what I already tended to do was part of actively building secure attachment with another person... and how I could look at it thru this lens, and add/tweak/refine. it was nice to be presented with a pretty simple (to my mind) toolkit to approach and/or reinforce this stuff.

How to cultivate attachment

I most loved how Fern dedicates space to discussing the importance of developing a secure attachment with ourselves. She writes about having a healthy relationship with oneself in a way that emphasizes how we can act as our own warm shelters to weather the storms of life, without framing this self-love in a trite or formulaic way. Fern offers specific strategies and actions we can take to tune into ourselves and enhance our relationships with ourselves, just as she provides tangible steps to strengthen the quality of our relationships with others. Smart, readable, path-setting, and deeply caring. And practical. Jessica Fern presents abundant material that will inform poly-friendly therapists everywhere, and she offers six particular strategies that will help polyfolks and their beloveds to become more "polysecure" in their relationships."—Lindsay Hayes, Polyamory in the News Book Genre: Health, LGBT, Mental Health, Nonfiction, Polyamory, Psychology, Queer, Relationships, Self Help, Sexuality There are several reasons I love this book. It is divided into thirds, and I find myself recommending the first third to anyone that has relationships (which is everyone), because it discusses attachment theory in a beautifully accessible manner. Her explanation avoids overly scientific jargon and gives a succinct but thorough overview of how attachment, both secure and insecure, looks in children, but takes it a step further and provides information as to how the four attachment styles can manifest in adults. She also includes several helpful charts and graphs that give a lovely visual description of attachment styles that so many of my polyam clients (and monogamous clients!) have found helpful. This book is worth reading for the first section alone--understanding your attachment style is key to moving toward healthy and securely attached relationships and friendships.

Follow Gregor in fourth gripping adventure in Suzanne Collins's masterful New York Times bestselling Underland Chronicles! While Fern strives to make the book accessible to lay readers, this book presumes that the reader already has some sort of reflective practice in their life, or at least are not resistant to reflection. Fern invites you to reflect on your attachment styles and that of loved ones around you, and move towards secure attachment within yourself and with others for a fulfilling and thriving relationship. Katz, M. I. L., & Graham, J. (2020). Building competence in practice with the polyamorous community: A scoping review. Social Work, 65(2), 188–196. https://doi.org/10.1093/sw/swaa011 alot of people in spaces I was moving thru seemed to be reading and raving about it, and I got abit wary (often my way when anything seems to have alot of hype)... There are books about polyamory, and books about attachment, and books about trauma, but as far as I know, this is the first to put them all together in one cohesive theory/work.Blakely, T. J., & Dziodosz, G. M. (2015). Application of attachment theory in clinical social work. Health and Social Work, 40(4), 283–289. Schmitt, D. P., et al. (2004). Patterns and universals of adult romantic attachment across 62 cultural regions: Are models of self and of other pancultural constructs? Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 35(4), 367–402.

Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual non-monogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships. Mohr, J. J., Selterman, D., & Fassinger, R. E. (2013). Romantic attachment and relationship functioning in same-sex couples. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 60, 72–82.Scroll To Top What Polyamory Can Teach Us About Secure Attachment A new book provides lessons for everyone about cultivating strong emotional attachments with romantic partners. Ein-Dor, T., & Hirschberger, G. (2016). Rethinking attachment theory: From a theory of relationships to a theory of individual and group survival. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 25(4), 223–227. Stuchell, S. C. (2013). Monogamy. In R. E. Emery (Ed.), Cultural sociology of divorce: An encyclopedia (pp. 839–845). Sage. Teaching Stream, Factor-Inwentash Faculty of Social Work, University of Toronto, Toronto, ON, Canada Fern is a therapist who specializes in nonmonogamy, and who is actually nonmonogamous herself. That goes a long way in establishing the kind of trust that's necessary for the reader. She is mostly operating in the theoretical here and the book is not heavy on real-life examples, but what she shares is so practical that it doesn't really need them. Sometimes Fern will tell us about a client's story or share one of her own, but she doesn't get bogged down in it.