Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

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Stuchell, S. C. (2013). Monogamy. In R. E. Emery (Ed.), Cultural sociology of divorce: An encyclopedia (pp. 839–845). Sage. Brennan, K. A., & Shaver, P. R. (1995). Dimensions of adult attachment, affect regulation, and romantic relationship functioning. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 21(3), 267–283. Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you’re striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner? Fern critiques the prevailing assumption that healthy relationships are dyadic by in the field of attachment theory, and that behaviours out of the monogamous model is associated with insecure attachment styles. She additionally proposes that monogamous relationships may rely on the relationship structure rather than secure attachment to function. Four stars, adding a half because of the final section on secure attachment with Self, and rounding up to five because so much of it hit home so aptly. Much of this is material I know; but like all such, I just need to be reminded sometimes, or to see things a different way. And the clincher: I finished the book, and am writing this, one day after performing my every-year-or-two psychedelic tune-up, this time a solo ritual in the mountains with the intention (chosen months before even starting this book) of exploring my self-love. The final sections, which I read today, are giving me tools to work with.

A nice introduction to attachment principles, how they affect our relationships, and with practical techniques to reflect on and improve our relationships with ourselves and with others. DeWall, C. N., et al. (2011). So far away from one’s partner, yet so close to romantic alternatives: Avoidant attachment, interest in alternatives, and infidelity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(6), 1302–1316. Moors, A. C., Conley, T. D., Edelstein, R. S., & Chopik, W. J. (2015). Attached to monogamy? Avoidance predicts willingness to engage (but not actual engagement) in consensual non-monogamy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(2), 222–240.

Sheff, E. (2005). Polyamorous women, sexual subjectivity and power. Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, 34(3), 251–283.

Dr. Ian Jenkins and his partners, Jeremy Hodges and Dr. Alan Mayfield—a polyamorous throuple—made history when they became the first family in California to list three parents on a birth certificate. This month, Jenkins published a book about their journey to parenthood, Three Dads and a Baby (Cleis Press). Polysecure skilfully dives into attachment styles through the lens of trauma, as a reflective practice to understand our needs, motivations, and behaviours, in relation to ourselves and potential or current non-monogamous practices. It is a compulsively readable and accessible, while being short and concise. Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist who works with non-monogamous clients and who practices non-monogamy herself, and she brings a wealth of experience that is both rich in theory and applicable in practice. Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern extends attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships. Polysecure is both a theoretical treatise and a practical guide. Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern – eBook Details Schacht, R., & Kramer, K. L. (2019). Are we monogamous? A review of the evolution of pair bonding in humans and its contemporary variation cross-culturally. Frontiers in Ecology and Evolution. https://doi.org/10.3389/fevo.2019.00230 Invisible marking is used to sort fractions that are otherwise indistinguishable: Tracer-Based Sorting (TBS). The complementary sorting solution is based on the use of our fluorescent particles.Brunning, L. (2018). The distinctiveness of polyamory. Journal of Applied Philosophy, 35(3), 513–531. Roseneil, S., & Budgeon, S. (2004). Cultures of intimacy and care beyond ‘the family’: Personal life and social change in the early 21 st century. Current Sociology, 52(2), 135–159. The author first describes the different types of attachment styles, not as enclosed boxes but rather as a nuanced spectrum everybody can reflect into. Then she explores how these styles affect and interweave with relationships - monogamous and non-monogamous - resulting in an enriching manual on how to be better at loving ourselves and loving others. I believe this goes much beyond romantic relationships to embrace family, friends and colleagues too. Benson, K. L. (2017). Tensions of subjectivity: The instability of queer polyamorous identity and community. Sexualities, 20(1–2), 24–40. It would be a shame, however, if only polyamorous people read Polysecure—because, as this book reveals, polyamorous relationships have a great deal to teach everyone about how to create dependable, enduring connections with others. Attachment theory basics

The biggest hurdle of the book is getting through the first half. Fern has set a big task for herself and she has to cover a lot of starting-off ground before we can get to the meat of it. She has to make sure her reader understands Attachment Theory and then she has to make sure her reader understands Consensual Nonmonogamy. If you are already familiar, these sections are easy to skim. Moors, A. C., Ryan, W., & Chopik, W. J. (2019). Multiple loves: The effects of attachment with multiple concurrent romantic partners on relational functioning. Personality and Individual Differences, 147, 102–110.Waters, H. S., & Waters, E. (2006). The attachment working models concept: Among other things, we build script-like representations of secure base experiences. Attachment and Human Development, 8(3), 185–197. Our products are environmentally friendly and used by market leaders to protect and secure goods worldwide. Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships. Relationship self-help books centered around monogamy can be unhelpful as they, along with the rest of the world, come from a mono-normative perspective that views non-monogamy – either as a lifestyle or an identity – as pathological behaviour stemming from insecure attachment.

Landolt, M., et al. (2004). Gender nonconformity, childhood rejection, and adult attachment: A study of gay men. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 33(2), 117–128. Katz, M. I. L., & Graham, J. (2020). Building competence in practice with the polyamorous community: A scoping review. Social Work, 65(2), 188–196. https://doi.org/10.1093/sw/swaa011 I think maybe one of the most personally interesting/useful things I also took away from what I read was that attachment styles are not necessarily static/fixed, which kinda confirmed something that had been on my mind since hearing folk talk in these terms... *and* that you can fall into different styles within/in response to different relationships/how others behave within the relationship. that was I think the most relevant and timely to me at the time. I found so much value I'll probably dwell a bit longer on each chapter, and I'll definitely go through a re-read over my next relationship. Secure attachment is absolutely central to successful polyamorous relationships, and insecure attachment is at the core of the jealousy and other challenges in open relationships of all kinds. This book can help poly people, as well as clinicians, get to the heart of their struggles and pain. It can help them to take concrete steps to become more comfortable with their nonmonogamous relationships and trust their partner’s love and commitment. This is required reading for people in open relationships and should be used as a textbook for every therapist who works with people in polyamorous relationships."—Kathy Labriola,counselor, nurse, and author of The Polyamory Breakup BookFraley, R. C., Vicary, A. M., Brumbaugh, C. C., & Roisman, G. I. (2011b). Patterns of stability in adult attachment: An empirical test of two models of continuity and change. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(5), 974–992. Anyone even considering nonmonogamy would benefit from reading Polysecure. Jessica Fern does an excellent job of not only explaining attachment theory and applying it to nonmonogamy but also offering real steps readers can take and skills they can hone to help create the secure, satisfying relationships they want."—JoEllen Notte,sex educator and author of The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression, and the Conversations We Aren’t Having