Listen: A powerful new book about life, death, relationships, mental health and how to talk about what matters – from the Sunday Times bestselling author ... to Find the Words for Tender Conversations

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As a palliative care doctor, Mannix has talked to countless families about the death of a loved one. She realized that the techniques that she's learned are "not just about end of life conversations, but about all those conversations that we feel a bit daunted about." Kathryn’s uncle would set a place for his wife who had died and talk to her during mealtimes. “He described to me the comfort he got from talking to her and of ritualising her presence in the house,” she states. He knew his wife was gone, and missed her every day, but when he talked to her, he felt her presence. When we're trying to talk to our teenagers and they don't want our advice, it's because we're telling, not asking." she said. "It's because we're imposing, not inviting. So this isn't just about medical conversations. This is how we deal with each other when the stakes are high and how that works in conversations right across life." The range of situations and various voices used in the examples feel real. You see the difference that lifting the phone and calling the samaritans has made to people's lives. They are a reminder that no matter what you are going through, you are never alone. For me – well-known as a person of (inadvertently) little tact, but generally good intentions – it was extremely useful, and I hope I can put many of her suggestions into practice. In particular:

As well as what to do, Mannix draws our attention on things to avoid, such as judgementalism, suspending any different values, and not insisting but inviting a conversation. There is a necessary and particular focus on steering away from the idea of 'fixing' the problems of others, sometimes things cannot be fixed, and anyway answers must come from those who own their specific issues, they must be the architects of their own solutions. Difficult conversations can be a minefield of high emotions, disorientation and distress, requiring sensitivity to the perspectives, pain and vulnerability of others and the need to have the talk at an appropriate time and in a safe place. Prescriptive methodologies are to be avoided, instead curiosity, deeper listening and open exploration are the key for understanding and becoming better at having those challenging conversations. Be compassionate for her situation but do not make the mistake of asking yourself how the situation would affect you if she were your sister, your friend, yourself. Your own sorrows will come in good time; don't be in a hurry for them.’ This is a wonderfully practical book, well laid out and easy to read. The language is familiar and conversational, and the illustrations are a nice touch. In ‘Listen: How to find the words for tender conversations’, Dr Kathryn Mannix suggests that while there is no single ‘right way’ to break unwelcome news, there are wrong ways, which are not just about the words we use. Instead of offering a script, Mannix uses stories – some from her own experiences, others fictional – to review and discuss some key principles and skills for those tasked with such difficult conversations. In her natural way of story telling, Mannix describes sympathy as expressing concern through a doorway; empathy enters the place of suffering and offers companionship; whereas compassion is the solidarity that seeks the other person's good, for the other person's sake.

"Talking about sad, frightening or frustrating things never feels easy."

But what do I say?’ Jess, a Cumbria Constabulary recruit, looks terrified. She’s been asked to break the news to Nancy Jones that her husband, who she waved off this morning, has been killed in a road traffic accident. While Nancy is today played by a staff member, this role-play scenario is experienced by police officers and healthcare professionals across the country every day. The book’s greatest strength is not just the information it shares, but the pure humanity it shows; the halting, fearful, imperfect conversations between people who are all doing their best and sometimes not getting it right. The gems of wisdom apply to all situations, whether someone is at the end of their life or has had a bad day at work … Compassionate, warm and wise’The Times - When it comes to listening, I think one of the most integral connections we can have with another person is empathy. Often, we listen to someone else's pain or suffering but we don't know what to do. We want to offer our own experience of the same suffering or tell them what we think they should do to cope, but that isn't what the person is after. We have to keep reminding ourselves that this is not me, this is not my dilemma, this is not my sorrow. If I’m truly empathic I will understand how great the sorrow is for that other person, but it’s still not mine. It’s theirs,” says Kathryn.

This is a beautiful book … Too often people want their friends and relations to take all the difficult talk to a therapist, there has to be more than the professional listeners who know how to have a mutually impactful beautiful, tender conversation. This is a book for everyone … I actually feel listened to by reading it’Philippa Perry - Mannix believes that one of the most powerful tools for a tender conversation is silence. "It's just to shut up, get out of the way verbally and allow the person to feel those sorrowful or angry feelings and just be present." The feeling of wanting to fill the silence is well-intentioned, but it can be misguided. "It's incredible how much people want to help," said Mannix, "but oftentimes, the most valuable gift at a moment of crisis is silent companionship."

There is just so much good advice here, so well presented and explained, it would be of great value for anyone to read it – but especially for doctors, nurses, teachers, politicians and clergy. Highly recommended. It's estimated that we spend 60% of our time in conversation listening (though we all know people where it feels closer to 99%) and research has shown that we only recall 25% of what's said.

I waited quite a few months to follow up on my lecturer's recommendation as I'm not the best at reading anything that isn't an article I can reference in an assignment during term time, but I wish I had read it sooner and spent some time during the summer to reflect on it. As someone who had loved Kathryn Mannix's previous book this was a "must read". The true life story in the first chapter is set in the author's early days as a doctor and brought tears to my eyes. It is a story about the author, a widow and Dorothy who helped out. It sets a tone for this book about the difficulties of dealing with challenging situations and conversations. Even when these are done "properly" they sometimes don't work all that well. Our own anxieties and agendas crowd into our minds, and they distract us from the task of communicating.

2. A conversation should be like a dance

The way we listen affects the speaker’s confidence. If we listen as ‘experts’, the speaker may fear exposing their uncertainty, or they may move from useful problem-solving to seeking our advice. If we listen as ‘critics’, to judge or point out errors, they may fear exposing their mistakes. If we listen with a vested interest, they may feel unable to explore negative emotions or hurts.” I loved reading Crucial Conversations (by Kerry Patterson) a few years ago which talked about the practicalities of communicating well so people understand each other and can work well together. This one is just as brilliant, and focuses more simply on humanity. How do we break the worst kind of news to someone? How do we sit alongside someone who’s going through some tough stuff? How do we encourage our friends and family members to talk about the things that really matter without trying to fix or coerce or diminish what they’re experiencing in that moment? Getting communication right makes the difference that can make people feel heard, to understand themselves better and to encourage positive change for the future.

This wise, gentle and profound book will not only help us to keep walking. It will teach us how to dance. This book is absolutely phenomenal. I would recommend it to anyone in any role, from pastoral to medical to parenting to being a good friend. Grief is not an illness, it is a response to loss. The grief will last as long as the loss does, and after a death the loss will last for ever. The loss permeates a bereaved person’s present, their memories of the past and their expectations of their future. Although they will eventually find their pain is a smaller component of their everyday life, it is not going to leave them completely. … They will not ‘get over it’ despite encountering many people who tell them that they should. Grief is a process that will eventually enable them to live alongside the loss. It will take the time it takes.” Respecting silence can be a challenge if there are several people in the conversation. You may need to be explicit, saying: “Let’s give each other time to think” or “I think we need a moment of quiet now”. Support, don’t ‘fix’ Mannix compares these tender conversations to two people dancing. One person leads, but never forces. There is a constant rebalancing and give-and-take. Asking questions can be a way of opening up someone to a possibility. In this way, the leader's role flips. They become the listener and can guide the conversation to where it needs to go. 3. Be curious, open-minded and humbleWhat is the person you are speaking to telling you that you didn’t know before? How do they see the situation? How are they feeling? Use your curiosity to ask questions about their ideas, hopes and fears. Teenagers, in particular, often feel misunderstood and “talked at” rather than listened-to, but demonstrating genuine curiosity can help them to explore their own experiences. We’re walking alongside something that’s very painful or difficult for the person to whom we’re listening, and therefore tenderness is our respect for the presence of their pain; the closeness of their pain.” Like a number of the books on this list, this isn't a title to read in one go and to put aside. It's one to put on the shelf and return to over and over again; as I said earlier, it's a lifelong skill that you have to work on to keep it sharp. Your relationships will be all the better for the work you have put into your listening skills. A child coming out to their parent. A family losing someone to terminal illness. A friend noticing the first signs of someone’s dementia. A careers advisor and a teenager with radically different perspectives.