Heathers the Musical

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Students: W hine. Go on and bitch and moan. Students: W hine. You don’t deserve the dream. Students: W hine. You’re gonna die alone . Heather D and the students close in on Heather M.. Heather D, Students: D ie alone, die alone, Die alone, die alone! Heather M chugs the contents of the bottle. Heather D and the students dissipate. Veronica runs onstage. No! No, no, stop, stop! Veronica and Heather fall to the ground, and Heather starts crying. Suicide is a private thing! Throwing your life away to be a statistic in USA Today? That's like the least private thing I can think of. But what about Heather and Ram and Kurt? If everyone jumped off a bridge, young lady, would you? Heather nods, ashamed. Probably. Veronica takes Heather's hand. If you were happy every single day of your life, then you wouldn't be a human, you'd be a game show host. Heather spits out the pills. Thanks for coming after me. You're welcome. Removal of curse words as well as onstage smoking, drinking and R-rated sexual scenes (note: there are still PG-13 sexual scenes). SPECIAL THANKS Whitney Engstrom, Amanda Alpert-Muscat, Kristen Gura and the cast, crew, and designers of our various developmental readings and our workshop production in Los Angeles I'm hugging my knees, And the captain is pointing. Well, who made her captain? Still, the weakest must go. The tiniest lifeboat Full of people I know. The tiniest lifeboat Full of people I know. What's your damage, Heather? Are you saying Westerburg is not a nice place? Ms. Fleming: Heather! Where's your school spirit? You don't deserve to wear our school colors. The students close in on Heather M, and Ms. Fleming tries to push Heather Duke away. Ms. Fleming: Let’s not be mean spirited­ Why don't you hop in your little lifeboat and catch a gnarly wave over to Remington? Ms. Fleming: Alright, alright, calm it down… Girl 1: Aw, Heather's going to cry. Heather M runs off stage. Ms. Fleming: Young lady, you are suspended! Turn the cameras off. Turn them off, goddamnit. Is that all you care about? TV cameras? JD enters. Ms. Fleming: I care about saving lives! Heather Duke ruined a valuable teaching! Valuable? None of us want this spectacle, to be experimented on like guinea pigs and patronized like bunny rabbits! Heather C enters (only visible/audible to Veronica). Ms. Fleming: I don't patronize bunny rabbits! This is their big secret Veronica, the adults are powerless. Heather trusted you. You said that you would protect her. They can't help us. Nobody can help us.

Well, if you want it to come true, then meet me at the cemetery. At dawn. Veronica hangs up the phone. Free pussy! And we don't even have to buy it a pizza! What?! They fist­bump and run off­stage giddily. We can start and finish wars, JD, Veronica: W e're what killed the dinosaurs. We're the asteroid that's overdue. The dinosaurs choked on the dust, They died because God said they must. The new world needed room, For me and you. I worship you. I'd trade my life for yours. We’ll make them disappear, We'll plant our garden here… Plant our garden here. Our love is God. Our love is God. Our love is God. Our love is God. Our love is God. JD approaches Veronica with a gun in his hand. Veronica stares in a horrified fascination. Whoa, wow… Is that real? Yeah… But we're filling it with "Ich Luge" bullets. Ich Luge...? What? My grandad scored them in World War II. They contain this powerful tranquilizer. The Nazis OFFICER MILNER BIG BUD DEAN - JD’s single Dad. Big jolly personality that barely conceals the enormous rage bubbling just below the surface. Quite possibly a serial bomber.

Voice: strong baritone/tenor, power Country/Gospel belt to G, even higher better. NOTE: Sometimes this actor has played BIG BUD/COACH instead of PRINCIPAL GOWAN.

NEW WAVE GIRL (GIRL 1) - A sullen New Wave girl. Voice: Belt to at least C# (a Soprano up to high A/B is also a plus).

HEATHER CHANDLER - 17. Richest, hottest, most magnetic, cruelest girl in town. Relishes power and wields it like a scalpel – no fear, no patience, no mercy. Also plays Dead Heather Chandler. Voice: Strong belt to F or higher preferred. Mezzo for chorus. NOTE: In certain choral songs Chandler can switch parts with her other Heathers as needed.

Voice: Strong belt to F or higher preferred. Mezzo for chorus. Note: In certain choral songs, Chandler can switch parts with her other Heathers as needed. The band was as follows: Conductor/Keyboard ........................ Guitars ....................................... What? Open the door! Heathers: O h no, oh no, no, no! You make my balls so blue, So please say hello! Hold 'em, Enfold 'em, Kurt, Ram: A nd never let go! Once you were geeky and nerdy, But they knew you're dirty. You've set them on fire, Kurt, Ram: W hatever you require, they'll do! So take 'em home to meet your parents! They'll wear a suit and tie, Heathers, Kurt: A nd a fancy collar! They'll sing a lullaby: Kurt, Ram: L a la la la la! Please make these balls not blue, Just for a while! Can't wait till later, Kurt, Ram: M y pants are rubbin', Like a hot cheese grater! Give me that! Veronica takes a bottle from Heather M. Look! Booze. Drink. Aw, thank you so much! You're are so welcome. JASON DEAN (JD) - 17. He is darkly charismatic, compelling, attractive, charming on the outside yet very damaged on the inside. Keen smarts and strong inventive comedy. Voice: Strong, confident belt to at least an Ab, A preferable; wide emotional range. We're not special. We're not different. We don't choose who lives or dies. Let's be normal. See bad movies, Sneak a beer and watch TV. We'll bake brownies, Or go bowling, Don't you want a life with me? Can't we be seventeen? That's all I want to do. If you could let me in, I could be good with you. People hurt us, Or they vanish. And you're right, it really blows. But we let go, Take a deep breath, And go buy some summer clothes. We'll go camping, Play some poker, And we'll eat some chili fries. JD turns and looks at Veronica, who holds out a hand to him. Maybe prom night? Maybe dancing? Don't stop looking in my eyes. Your eyes. JD starts walking towards Veronica. JD, Veronica: C an't we be seventeen? Is that so hard to do? If you could let me in, I could be good with you. JD takes Veronica's hand.HEATHER DUKE - 17. Whipping-girl of the 3 Heathers. When she finally becomes Queen Bee she wields power like a bulldozer. Alto for chorus. Voice: Strong belt to C, D preferred. Alto for chorus. NOTE: in certain choral songs Heather Duke and Mac can switch vocal parts as needed. RAM'S DAD - Former football player turned suburban Dad, has never outgrown his glory days in high school. Hates weakness, but capable of soul-searching when tragedy strikes. Bill, Company: B ut now I've learned to love… Bill: I love my dead gay son! Company: H e loves his son. He loves his son. His dead gay son! Paul tries to leave and Bill follows him. Bill: N ow, I say my boy's in heaven, And he's tanning by the pool! The cherubim walk with him and him, And Jesus says “It's cool!”. They don't have crime or hatred, there's no bigotry or cursin', Just friendly fellows dressed up like their favorite village person! They were not dirty! Company: N o, no! Bill: T hey just had flair! Company: W hoa, oh! Bill: T hey were two bright red ribbons in the Lord's long hair! Well, I used to see a homo and go reachin' for my gun, Bill, Company: B ut now I've learned to love... Paul tries to leave again. Bill: A nd furthermore! These boys were brave as hell! These boys, they know damn well! Those folks would judge 'em, they were desperate to be free! They took a rebel stance, stripped to their underpants! Paul, I can't believe that you, Still refuse to get a clue! After all that we've been through, I'm talking you and me! The company gasps collectively. Bill: In the summer of '83! The company gasps again. Holy shit! Veronica looks into the mug and is horrified. Oh my God. Oh my God! Don’t just stand there, call 911! It’s a little late for that. Heather! Heather. Heather. Oh my God. Oh my God, I just killed my best friend! And your worst enemy. Same difference! I mean­ the police are gonna think that I did this on purpose. Oh my God, they’re gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin. Unless… Oh, look, she was reading “The Bell Jar”. Oh no. Oh, yes. You can fake her handwriting. Just make it sound deep. Like this: I had pain in my path, Like Silvia Plath, My problems were myriad­ I was having my period. Veronica laughs at her own joke for longer than necessary before realizing the dead body on the floor and screaming. Oh my God! You think this is funny? You could go to jail! Get your head on straight, now! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Heather would never use the word myriad because she missed it on her vocab quiz last week. So, it’s a badge for her failures at school. Work with me. Okay, okay. Um. Where do I start? Think. Long and hard. What would she say? What’s her­ her final statement to a cold, uncaring planet? Veronica grabs a pad of paper and starts writing. Uh, Dear World, uh…

KURT’S DAD: Straight-laced, very conservative, also former football player. A simple guy, not book smart, you’d be happy to share a beer with him.Kurt and Ram take turns chugging from the bottle. They will protect you, Defend you, Respect you, Befriend you­ Like Winnie­the­Pooh! Heathers: W innie­the­Pooh! Baby, baby, baby, they're so blue! My balls will work for you­ Heathers, Kurt: T hey will obey ya! They really need rescue­ Heathers, Kurt: L ike Princess Leia! Kurt, Ram: B aby, you gots to come through. Teach them to smile! You got no clue, How much these two, Depend on you! Kurt, Ram: P lease help them through! Heathers, Kurt, Ram: M y balls are in your court! Kurt, Ram: Y eah, yeah! You make my balls so blue! Heathers: Y ou make my balls so blue! Kurt, Ram: Y ou make my balls so blue! Good God! My balls! You make my balls so blue! authority when I tell you that the way to eliminate suicide is by first eliminating fear by creating answering his own question. He rows as he speaks. The Brady Bunch sputters on the T.V. screen before him. Replace “Blue” with “You're Welcome,” a new song created by the authors that adds Veronica's perspective.