At Last A Life

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I am not saying this new attitude happens overnight, it doesn’t, but life will present you with opportunities every day to practice, and in time the new approach becomes automatic. I have told the story below before, but I think it is worth repeating as it had such an effect on me and taught me a lot about how we create so much of our own suffering. Along with this was the constant thinking about sleep during the day. I would run scenarios through in my mind. Crumble under the fear of never being able to fall asleep peacefully or normally again. I’d obsess about the fact that I was obsessing about sleep; understanding that those who sleep normally give sleep little to no thought during their waking hours (at least not to the degree I did). This relentless solution seeking also took my focus away from life and put it on me. It fed the subject deeper into my subconscious mind to where I could think of nothing else. This constant self-obsessed focus and the ensuing battle with myself had also started to break me mentally. I could barely concentrate, no longer think straight or focus on anything outside of myself. It was now time to listen to my suffering, realise I was on the wrong path and change my approach.

I used to ask myself this very question, as I always seemed to be in some form of suffering. Yes, I would have some good days along the way, but I spent most of my time unhappy and always seemed to be worrying about something or other. Alz, I have a suggestion. It’s not the actual thought that is scaring you because you already know that it is only because you have anxious energy in your body that that thought is in your head. If you had no anxious energy in your body then that thought wouldn’t even be there. Instead, its the fact that the thought keeps popping into your head and you feel like you have no control over that, I feel like that is the bit that is freaking you out – The fact that it keeps intruding. With that intrusion you feel weirded out because the thought has negative connotations but because the thought feels powerful it evokes a fearful reaction in you. I feel, that if you were to lose the fear response when the thought appears then you would be able to just see it as an anxious thought. I can guarantee that most of your symptoms are not anxiety related but due to this constant battle to defeat it, not just emotionally, but mentally too. Trying to keep everything together, manage yourself, worrying about this symptom and that symptom is extremely mentally draining, all your awareness also becomes inwards and why you feel so disconnected from your surroundings, it is all logical when you see it. So much of my suffering fell away when I just gave up this fight and my mind and body began to heal itself. I finally realised that finding peace and happiness is an inside job and that the outside may bring snippets here and there, but I won’t find true peace and joy out there if I don’t already feel it within. Blaming the outside can harm our friendships and relationships.It would be unreasonable to expect to never feel anxious/stressed/tense again. Those feelings are part of the human experience – the issue is only when they consume us and we start to let those feelings dictate how we live our lives. Believe me, I understand wanting to feel good all the time after suffering for so long, but that’s just not possible. This is where any helpful information should take you, it should lead to letting go of certain behaviours, to help you let go and surrender deeper. It should never lead to more fighting, more thinking. or techniques and rituals. By no longer ruminating and hiding away, my general mood also started to improve. Within a few months of continuing in this way, I felt much better and the habit of thinking about the subject was entirely behind me. I was now thinking about what to have for lunch and what I would wear for the night out, rather than what technique I could come up with next to get through the day. I know at the moment it feels like you can’t move forward until you feel less unsure. But again, the problem with that is there will always be a new sensation or thought that will make you questioning again. You have to decide that enough is enough. You’re done trying to figure it out. You’re done trying to comfort and reassure yourself. If you’re scared, fine. If you’re questioning everything, ok. Turn your I can’t into I can and I will. Turn your what if’s into so what.

I am not saying this is easy initially, we have been addicted to the mind for so long, but as you begin to become more aware of the mind and its patterns then you learn to no longer fear it. This endless search usually occurs because people are desperate to find an instant relief from how they are feeling or they feel that if they stop looking for a solution, they will be like this forever. The compulsion to solve is the only chance they have to get better and the only hope they are hanging on to, not realising the endless search and obsessing is the cause of many of their problems and a big contributor towards how they feel. I was interested to read in your book that you don’t isolate the symptoms and treat them all separately, but just accept that they are all just anxiety and try to live a normal life alongside all of the horrible sensations. Most of the symptoms are not there currently. I went through this compulsion because I genuinely believed that the only way out was to keep searching for answers and to go over and over all the information I had previously gathered. I believed that I had to mentally think my way out of how I felt and to constantly monitor how I was feeling and how I was progressing. I would only gather more self-help books and pore over more information in my search to get better.I was the reason I had a breakdown; it wasn’t due to my life or circumstances; it was a wrong vision on my part, a non-acceptance of reality as it was. My life didn’t need to change for me to be happy and find peace, just my relationship with it.

Nothing needs to be defeated here, this is where so many go wrong, as it’s this fight that is causing the very symptoms they are trying t The constant mental activity is also why the mind can feel so noisy and busy, and the reason it never feels settled and calm. It also takes you away from life to the point where you can start to feel disconnected from it. How can you be present towards life when all your focus is upon you and how you are feeling? I had dabbled alittle with CBT but it wasn’t helping me. I wanted to be the old me; and at least with the CBT I was going over it seemed to only have me pay more respect to the symptoms of my anxiety and depression. I got that idea from Paul and it just made perfect sense when I read it: that in my attempts to be the old me I was paying so much respect to these issues, opposed to not caring so much.

How to break the cycle of worrying about sleep

Second: When your going to sleep and if your mind is racing: let it race. If your mind is already agitated with anxiety and your thoughts are naturally trending towards things of despair/fear/hopelessness…. it does little good to force your thoughts on bright and sunny things. As if forcing “bright and sunny thoughts” is what’s going to bait sleep into overcoming you. For one: it’s just adding to the agitation. You’re just adding more mental exertion. So let your thoughts run on and on or spin however they want to. When a particular thought was having a visceral effect of me I just let it do what it wanted to while telling myself something like “big deal… it will pass when it’s ready to”. One way to conceive of this is that you’re going to be as disinterested as possible in what you’re seeing while your mind is racing. Like a disinterested movie watcher. But be patient with yourself when you find yourself playing along with the fear. People who give up smoking have a strong pull, out of habit, to put a cigarette in their mouth. The ones who finally give up are the ones who allow this habit to be present without indulging in it and then in time, the habit leaves them. It is the exact same principle. The habit to think about and go over the subject of anxiety and how you are feeling may be present, but it doesn’t mean you have to indulge in it. In time, and without your participation, that habit will begin to fall away, and your mind will naturally think of other things. So, you’re in a bad spell right now. It seems long and unwarranted. You wish things were another way…. but they’re not. Be at peace with that and be at peace with the fact that you struggle with that. What does that mean? Live your life as you lived it but with this extra little burden. You want to know when it will be lifted, but you can’t know that. None of us can. Be patient with the times you fall into the pit of reassurance…. but don’t make that your warm cabin atop a windswept mountain. I have had anxiety in the form of physical symptoms since 2009, and have been up and down throughout that time. But if you genuinely love and care for that person and want more peace and less drama in your friendships and relationships, then begin to accept them as they are. Even if there are little quirks that annoy you then try to recognise that no one is perfect.