Let's Talk: How to Have Better Conversations

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I think I might start all my business conversations now with, "Do you have a tattoo somewhere that's interesting?" In one study, for example, researchers recorded people’s conversations for four days and coded them. “They found that people who spent less time alone and more time with others had better life satisfaction and that more meaningful conversations (rather than small talk) were also associated with higher wellbeing,” Heyman said.

In the post-covid world where you are more likely to converse over social media, Teams or chat apps we are losing the art of conversation, Nihal argues. However, he is keen to point out: And good conversation involves taking turns, not talking over someone – trying to silence people by talking more loudly, forcefully, and persistently than them. Let's Talk blends Nihal's experiences as an acclaimed interviewer with expert and celebrity opinion on the secrets and psychology behind successful communication. From tracing the evolution of dialogue to discovering what lights up in the brain when we're enjoying a good discussion, Nihal speaks to conversational authorities including Lorraine Kelly, former president of Ireland Mary McAleese, Professor Tanya Byron, internationally bestselling author Johann Hari, Matthew Syed, and many more, to find out why good conversation has eroded over time and how we can fix it. Heyman: “There are billions of people in the world, each with a rich mental life, but we only have direct access to our own. We can never know what it would be like if we had been born in another place, at a different time, or into a different family. We can’t even be sure what it’s like to experience life from the perspective of the people who are closest to us. This leaves gaps in our understanding that we often try to fill based on our own experiences and perspectives, which means we often get it wrong.” My gosh, the vitriol that I received for making that comparison. What I was trying to do was encourage people to look in on themselves, and the language they used, because people voted to leave the European Union for all kinds of reasons. The idea that you tell a huge group of people that they are just stupid for doing so is ignorant; or that they are all racists, it doesn’t further the conversation.”In many ways this is not like any of the books I have read in the past, in the sense that this is not an easily read fiction book, or even an autobiography. In some ways this is very similar to some of the other books that I have read more recently, in that this requires concentration and provokes introspection, and a desire to continue to develop. I am interested,” she said, “in conversations in which people gain new insights about each other, themselves or the world — the kind of conversations college students often have when they are living in the dorms and staying up much later than they should. I loved these conversations, and still remember some of them and the insights I gained. After college, I noticed that the people around me rarely had those kinds of conversations, and I missed that.” It sounds like you had a good chinwag– a long and pleasant conversation between friends, which is great because in this programme we’re talking about talking. We’ll be discussing conservations – the exchange of ideas, thoughts and feelings that happens when people talk to each other. And as usual we’ll be learning some new vocabulary as well. When I read the first line of chapter 1, I actually cringed. "The Oxford English Dictionary defines conversation as...". 🤢

Good conversation brings people together, unlike tittle-tattle - talk about other people's lives that is usually unkind, disapproving, or untrue.Yeah, absolutely not. And frankly, I really wish that people would not use their gut instinct to make these kinds of decisions that affect people's lives. It makes common sense to think, "Oh, we'd collaborate better if we were all in person all the time, enough of this remote work. Our problem is morale. We don't have cohesiveness in teamwork." That's probably not what's causing lowered morale and the cohesiveness of your team. And so, before you start assuming it's because people are remote, find out if that's really what's behind it, because there's no reason why people working remotely would lead to less cohesion unless you don't know how to work remotely. You may be doing it wrong. Social media encourages us to give our opinion on a subject without always listening in return - does this mean the art of conversation is being lost? Sam and Neil discuss the topic and teach you related vocabulary along the way. This week's question Brilliant, and absolutely, I think broadband is gonna be key to everyone’s world at the moment. And I’m sure many of us listening today, or many of our listeners have probably experienced the drop out so can actually vouch and be with you on that journey and and wish you all the best at bringing that connectivity and pushing your speeds higher. So thanks, Richard.

And I should say that I'm also simultaneously reading your book on Do Nothing, which is revelatory and how we work in all those kinds of things. So, I know this is another era of your research, but there's some time for just, we have a conversation, there's no purpose, we're just talking. So how do you recommend people start to think about their business conversations and things? This is a chance for us to connect with people that we might not otherwise have met and start thinking about these as a chance for enjoyment versus just, we've got to get through this and work together. For Nihal, good conversation involves listening as much as speaking. By listening we find out things about the person we are talking to which, in turn, help us understand ourselves. This is why Nihal says we are enriched by listening – we are improved by having something else added. When we have conversations, they are based on what ideas get activated in our brains, and what gets activated tends to be a very limited subset of things — often driven by what’s been on our mind recently, what is going on in front of us, and what others are saying or doing,” Heyman said. “This can mean that we often get into conversational ruts, where we keep talking about the same stuff and might not even know some fundamental things about the people we’ve known for a long time.” Modern workers have no idea how to function as a healthy team. That is just the truth. And so, if you just are training them in how to be team members, in other words saying, "Listen, let's learn how to collaborate and coordinate, and we don't care if you like each other because it doesn't matter. We're not going to force you to like anybody, you just have to be respectful and collaborate well." That's going to give them all kinds of benefits. But banning those conversations is just going to send morale straight into the toilet and frankly increase your turnover rate. And if people trained them that way, not only would it help because you don't ever have to ban things, but also improving people's conversational skills has just a cascade of benefits, not least of which all of these efforts to improve diversity and inclusion is really just an effort to try to make people work better as team members.Yeah, I think I think you’re right, the terminology is difficult, everyone understand what performance management should mean. But it is a euphemism, they are often for performance management as the first stage in the exit conversation. So you know, I think I think we should try and change the nomenclature. I just couldn't bring myself to press that one star button even though I think this is one of the few books that I think might deserve it. In my opinion it could be improved with some key takeaways or action points at the end of each chapter, making it more of a self-help book for every day conversations. But these are summed up nicely in the conclusion. Absolutely. So that was probably a little bit of a curveball coming at you there with regards to measuring something so difficult, but I think you’re quite right, and you’ve hit the nail on the head, because it probably stems from how you recruit people in the first place, and how they come into the organisation. And whether they align to the values of an organisation, that’s probably a key thing that people should consider as early on as the recruitment stage or even setting up their strategy and people strategy. Oh and, before you go and get intimidated, thinking you’re in the presence of a master: Does Heyman herself always have great conversations? “Absolutely not,” she said. “I am an introvert, and I sometimes feel like hiding in a corner rather than trying to make conversation. Also, like a lot of people, I often feel stressed and pulled in many different directions, and as a result I can be quite distracted when I talk to people.

Read this fascinating book and you'll become a better listener, a better conversationalist and better company' Adam Kay'A brilliant book on the art of conversation' Matt Haig'A compulsory book for these divided times' Sathnam Sanghera'An intriguing exploration of the importance of a proper chinwag' Sara Cox'A terrific book from a terrific broadcaster. So, I'm going to remove all the identifiers from here, but I think one of the biggest...early on, when I was very first becoming a leader, and almost nobody actually trains people in leadership. They send them to leadership school, but actually giving them the nuts and bolts of how to be a coach as opposed to managing people, that's very rare. You're allowed to turn off the video function. Opt for a phone call instead: Calls have been scientifically proven to boost your mood and improve your cognitive abilities. Rebel against video chats in favor of the humble call! What is it that I haven't asked.... One of the questions I often ask people at the end of interviews is, "What have I not asked you that you expected to talk about? What should I have asked you?" And those kinds of open-ended questions, what is it that I'm missing, are really going to help you. That's how you become the kind of leader who people enjoy talking to, that they feel comfortable going to them with situations. Maybe it's just like, I have a feeling something's going wrong here. That may never be expressed if every conversation has to be productive. People may never wave those yellow flags instead of red if you have made this stricture that every conversation has to be directed, time limited, and productive. So, leave things open for people to muse. Remember that deep thought is rarely productive or directed. Deep thought ambles, deep thought explores, and deep thought is curious, but deep thought is what drives innovation and creativity.Well, it gave me the sense that you are enriched by listening. And this was of course, pre-social media which has of course encouraged us to project - to transmit - more than receive. So it meant that I guess I was conscious of experiences of others, and wanted to try and understand them. Also, partially, Michael, it was a survival instinct because I was a little brown boy in a predominantly white school, a state school in the 1980s. The survival instinct is the basic instinct in humans and animals to do something in a dangerous situation that will keep them alive. Based on research that went into the app, as well as on ongoing exploration since, Heyman also has some general tips for talking to others better.