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Del: Australia is an awfully long way off, isn't it? Jumbo Mills: They'll love you over there. They've got no class! Damien: (to Raquel) Mum, Uncle Rodders says that I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up. Raquel: Oh did he? Rodney: Yeah, well, they all are aren't they? They go through that Kevin and Perry stage. Raquel: Yeah, suppose they are a bit annoying. But when you reach 21 a man leaves those days behind him and matures into a responsible adult. Del: (on the phone) So, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel! So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac! Raquel: Well that's the theory, anyway. You plonker', a label often reserved for Del's long suffering brother Rodney, was runner-up in the poll of 2,000 British adults commissioned by TV channel Gold to highlight the fact they've been counting down the nation's top episodes of the sitcom, with added commentary from Sir David Jason. Del, Rodney, and Albert are sailing on a boat to Holland, and end up lost in the middle of the North Sea.] Rodney: He's something else ain't he? And what about all the currents they got round here? We could have drifted anywhere by now. Del: Yes, he's right and all ain't he? We're in the middle of the North Sea ain't we? It's got more currents than a hot-cross bun. Albert: (heading into Grandad's bedroom) I might as well kip down in there, eh? Del: No, no, you can't go in there. That's my Grandad's room! Albert: Yeah but - I'm his brother! Del: Yeah, that don't make no difference. Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room! Thatroom is gonna remain exactly as he left it! That room is going to be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my grandfather. Albert: I understand, Del. Del: No, we'll just have to think of something else that's all. Listen, if I get the big mattress out of Rodney's room I can put it down. No, I'd never get it through the door would I.
Grandad: (in the cell, recounting his earlier experience with the Spanish authorities) ...they took Nobby away and tortured him...all through the night, you could hear his screams! Rodney: Woke you up at one point, didn't it? Grandad: (shaking his head) The last thing on my mind was sleep, but no matter how hard they tried, Nobby wouldn't say a word... and then it were my turn... Rodney: (briefly concerned) What... they tortured you? Grandad: No... but they would have done if I hadn't told them everything I knew!Rodney is looking for crimes to report at the tenants' meeting.] Del: Well, why don't you tell them what happened to poor Rita Alldridge then? Rodney: Yes! Good idea! What happened to Rita Alldridge then? Del: Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground. Rodney: No! Did she report it? Del: Yeah, I saw her this morning, she'd just been down the police station. Rodney: Right. There you are, you see; that's exactly the sort of thing... Hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it? Del: Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced.
A female nurse enters the room, followed by a male nurse] Del: Oh, excuse me, John, we're having a baby in here. Midwife: I know. That's why I'm here. Del: What are you, a pervo, or something?! Nurse: This is Mr McCallum - he's the midwife. Del: But he's a bloke! Midwife: I'm a trained midwife. Now please, get out of my way.Mother Nature's Son [ edit ] Albert: You call that music, sounds more like noise to me. That's all you youngsters are interested in nowadays. Rodney: Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself, Albert? Albert: When I was your age, I was fighting in the war! Rodney: You must have made more bloody noise than me then! In response to Albert suggesting Anna may either have twins, triplets, or quadroplets.] Del: He's right and all. She might be sitting in there with a belly full of people!
About 10 years ago I met a guy who was about the same age as me and worked on a farm. We were both 17 years old and I had just left school. The other person, we’ll call him Ranald, had left school a year or so before with very little or no qualifications. He lived and had grown up in the country all his life so the step from school to farming was the most likely and natural progression. Rodney creeps around a seemingly empty house, until he sees Don, who due to his uncanny resemblance, he thinks is Del.] Rodney: (seeing Don) You git! [Approaches Don menacingly] Rodney: You rotten, lying, conniving git! We might go out, get to know each other a bit, you know. Might like each other, then who knows? In time maybe she might do some ironing for me. ~ Denzil Tulser talking about a potential date. Mike looks exasperated.] Boycie: As long as it weren't Eldorado, we can all sleep easy, eh? [He and Del laugh.] At least pulling out items that meant something to him would have had a narrative place and made the show a bit more cushtie.
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The majority of these things can be done by anyone, kite surfing doesn’t have the same appeal in the Firth of Forth as it would in the Virgin Islands however. Dressed as Batman and Robin, Del and Rodney find out the fancy dress party is cancelled] Rodney: We were running in here going [impersonating Batman theme] da na na na na na na na na, and everything! Del: I don't know what the younger generation is coming to. They can't even swear without effing and blinding.
Del: (hurriedly, after talking to a couple of "women") Drink up, we're leaving. Rodney: Why? Are they a couple of ravers? Del: No, they're a couple of geezers!" Rodney: Cassandra, we are talking about Derek Trotter. To Del, market penetration means sex under a barrow! Grandad hits the screw with a hammer and the other chandelier falls to the ground and smashes, while Del and Rodney both look on in horror] Del: (calmy, to Rodney) Grandad was undoing the other chandelier. Rodney: How can you tell? Raquel: (when Rodney arrives at the Nag's Head after cleaning Del's recently accquired Capri Ghia) Your finger's bleeding, Rodney. Rodney: Yeah, that happened when me hand went straight through the bodywork! I'm bleeding, see! There's blood! Oh yeah. Mike, you got a plaster? Del: Oi, what do you mean your hand went through straight through the bodywork? Rodney: There's a big rust hole in the wing. Boycie's blokes had stuffed it full of newspapers and body-filler and sprayed over it. Boycie: That's slanderous, Rodney. That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle! Rodney: They were yesterday's newspapers!
Know another quote from Only Fools and Horses....?
The definition of entrepreneur is: “A person who sets up a business or businesses, taking on financial risks in the hope of profit.” Rodney: Del Boy, thanks to you, I am now a 26-year-old man who has come second in a skateboarding competition! Del: Second? You was in the lead when I saw you! Rodney: ...I fell off.
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