An Extra Pair of Hands: A story of caring and everyday acts of love

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Kate argues that too often the needs of carers are overlooked and she produces evidence to show that the responsibility for caring falls overwhelmingly on women, leading her to conclude, ‘Care is a feminist issue.’ She is honest enough to admit that she is in a more fortunate position than most carers, including having an occupation that she can do from home. I think the book was especially good at communicating the many facets of being a carer – the emotional, physical, social and financial aspects as well as the practical day-to-day responsibilities.

In An Extra Pair of Hands Kate Mosse explored what it is like to become a carer for those who has once cared for you. Having gone through this myself recently I say it is the moment you become an actual adult. You may have a mortgage, a car, be married and even have kids of your own but when your parents become your responsibility the whole axis of your world goes of kilter. And it is terrifying.I have read a few Kate Mosse books, loved her Languadoc Trilogy so when I saw that she had released a non fiction book, I won’t lie to you, I was intrigued. Especially when I saw its association with the Wellcome Collection. I have to say, I wasn’t disappointed. Over the past two decades, the bestselling author has been a carer three times: to her father suffering from Parkinson’s, to her widowed mother and presently to her mother-in-law, the exuberant Granny Rosie. Unafraid to depict the exhausting reality of caring, her timely story is compassionate and humane, judiciously blending the personal with the political; as she eloquently argues, “care is a feminist issue”. The Maidens Kate Mosse takes us on. her journey of caring for her mother, father and mother-in-law. Anyone who has cared for a family member or friend will be able to relate to her honest account of the conflicting emotions and the challenges that she experienced, but what I loved about this book was that it reminds us that caring is a privilege, and one that will enrich your life and your relationships. This is a sensitive and perceptive book for carers,’ says Rosalind. ‘The author knows all about the frustrations, traumas and, thankfully, the joys of caring for loved ones. She found herself becoming the main carer for her father, and then in a supportive role for her mother and, later, for her rather feisty mother-in-law.’

I am a Big fan of Kate Mosse and I have read all her books. Every book of Kate's are just remarkable and this latest book "An Extra Pair of Hands" was a book from the heart especially as this book is about Kate's own personal story finding herself as a carer in middle age: firstly helping her heroic mother care for her beloved father through Parkinson's, then supporting her mother in widowhood, and finally as 'an extra pair of hands' for her 90-year-old mother-in-law. Caroline says, ‘Mosse discusses the concept of the term “carer” and how it compares to “being caring” in the normal run of things. This is intertwined with thoughts about ageing, caring and an account of life during the pandemic.’ Kate Mosse talks about how many carers there are in the UK, and how they are mostly forgotten about, or taken advantage of. How families and loved ones take on caring responsibilities without a thought for their own physical or mental health. She talks about how families pull together, and how the departure of elderly loved ones can leave such a massive hole, one that will never be filled. Mosse finds it hard to shoehorn her thoughts into the impoverished bureaucratic language used in the “care industry” and complains at being designated a “carer”, with its implication of inequality and the passivity of the dependent. Here, she indignantly insists that her surviving mother-in-law may now be dependent, but is also still very much her strong-willed, vibrant self. Mosse refers to herself deprecatingly as an “extra pair of hands” even if she is now “full-time”. The book’s title speaks to the importance of tact in protecting dignity and respect, and Mosse describes admiringly how her mother cared for her father when he had Parkinson’s. “She never spoke for him, never took over unless he wanted her help, never let the things he could no longer do become more important than the things he could do.” She questions how and why we fetishise independence when the reality of human experience is always interdependence. Here is a book that sees, in this, a cause for celebration.

Three Rs 

As our population ages, more and more of us find ourselves caring for parents and loved ones – some 8.8 million people in the UK. An invisible army of carers holding families together.