Emergency Questions: 1001 conversation-savers for any situation

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Would you rather have a time machine that can only take you back to the 1973 wedding of Prince Anne and Mark Phillips or an invisibility cloak that glitches randomly at least once a minute, making you totally visible for a couple of second? Do you ever worry that you have already lived your life and are now in a care home with Alzheimer’s disease and what you perceive as reality is just a distorted memory of the first time this happened? If Frankie Boyle is the Mick Jagger of comedy, the outspoken voice of the disenfranchised youth, dehumanized by the press and feared by parents nation-wide, then Dave Gorman is Ringo Starr. Artificial Intelligence: If the world were to be populated entirely by Richard Herring look-alikes – which it almost is – would it be a utopia of Herring-based hilarity, or a nightmarish dystopia where the same jokes are repeated ad infinitum ?

What’s the worst thing that’s been drunkenly shouted at you by a friend or relative on Christmas Day? This has been the subject of much physics-fuelled debate, but I remain convinced that the Camberwick Green Clown is actually turning that handle the wrong way. I’d love to get hold of some old-style pre-crunchy Ringos and prove to people a) that they existed and b) that they were superior to the early to mid eighties redesign. If you could burn one building to the ground (without harming anyone or being prosecuted for arson), which edifice would you torch? Either it’s something unhealthy about our national reverence towards beer culture or our national deference to anyone in any old badly fitting suit that claims to have all the answers, and it’s hard to know which is the bigger issue here.He was accompanied by an equally unconvincing He-Man – also sporting a rubber face for some reason – who shook hands and doled out the free gift to the lucky youngsters who had queues for several hours; a small Masters Of The Universe promotional poster, which had also been given away free in innumerable comics in the six months or so leading up to this.

They were actually very difficult to win at, partly because they were designed to avoid allowing you to reach a stage where it might end up having to pay out money – those timers were incredibly tight – and also because you would invariably find yourself getting unwanted ‘help’ from a drunk person you didn’t know who would slam their hands down on the wrong answer button with the speed, demeanour and severity of someone being administered a mild electric shock, and then exclaim “AHW! You can stream me talking about Absolute Beginners here, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Thor’s Hammer here and Mike Westbrook’s Love Songs here, though that’s by the by. as his earlier work with Them – and in particular the staggering I Can Only Give You Everything, which sounds like every single band on Nuggets – Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era, 1965-1968 clobbering each other with cheap amplifiers – is for the most part little short of astonishing. It’s also the one that annoying blokes who consider themselves ‘musicians’ will whip out on buses when nobody asked them to and wheeze out some indefinable ‘blues’, which brings us around to its bigger and more complicated rival.

Do you think the photo that will accompany your obituary has yet been taken or do you think it will come in the future? Phoebe Herring: Would you rather fall into a pool of lava or, at the last minute, be eaten by a crocodile instead of falling into the pool of lava?

You can still use the dishwasher for dishes if you choose to wash your clothes in the dishwasher and you can wash your clothes in the washing machine if you do your dishes there.And if so, would you risk tasting his briny essence to confirm his identity or would you prefer to remain a cucumber coward?

Would you rather have a mirror in which you can see all your dead relatives and friends but not be able to talk to them but see them sadly waiting or would you like a voucher for 2-for-1 pizzas at Pizza Express, Monday through Thursday? Smith is one of Leon Garfield’s many gripping yet unremittingly bleak children’s novels set amongst a soot-caked world of child labour and brutal crime; these novels provoke – it’s fair to say – mixed feelings amongst those who read them or watched television adaptations of them, and you can hear Joanne Sheppard discussing those exact mixed feelings in Looks Unfamiliar here. Do you think it’s possible that we’re all robots that we are all robots and we don’t know we’re robots?If you were granted the powers of a King Midas, but could choose what everything was going to turn into, what would everything turn into?