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There are not easy solutions to these problems. It is important for therapists to be aware that it takes time for a stepfamily to consolidate – the National Stepfamily Association used to say 2 – 7 years - and often there are difficulties along the way. Time is needed for many processes; for stepfamily members to get to know each other, to accept that their family is different than the family they imagined they might have, to grieve this and to find ways of living with the family that they now are. With time stepchildren and step parents can get used to each other, and find that they become more accepting of others presence. This article is about the challenges and possibilities for mothers living with partners who are not their children’s parent. These include stepmothers and women who would not call themselves a stepmother but whose partner has children that are not their own.

With notable exceptions, when couples separate children are most likely to live with their mothers. If the father has started a new relationship, and wishes to stay involved as a parent, the children move between two households, and the mother has to share her children with a strange woman – the stepmother. She has to live with the fact that her ex-partner is now with someone else and the feelings that arise for her can be painful and difficult.He entered the marriage with the responsibility of being a parent and his child should remain a priority. Promoting ways your husband can spend quality time with his child can earn you respect and strengthen your marriage. Whether your stepchild misbehaved out of resentment, or unintentionally hurt you, do not take it personal. Put yourself in their shoes before you react. And try to practice patience.

Take advantage of the opportunity to invest your time in someone your husband loves more than anyone else on earth. Do it for the sake of your marriage — and to create a bond with your stepchild that may last a lifetime. When your stepchild does something out of hurt and anger, learn to forgive. Holding on to negativity will only impede your relationship. This programme is interesting because, without glossing over problems it shows a family coming together. The relationships are honest, and many recognisable issues are discussed and faced. Most importantly it shows that finding a way to talk together and respect each other’s feelings helps all family members to adjust to their situation. Sometimes people need expert help for this, because when people are vulnerable, with emotions such as grief, anxiety and protectiveness are present it can be difficult to listen to each other. Claire Asherson Bartram, a therapist in NW London, shares her insights from her research into mothers in stepfamilies Typically the difficulty for both mothers and fathers is that they feel in the middle of everyone; pulled between their own needs for a relationship, their wish to be a good parent for their children, their guilt and grief for their children’s unhappiness and their new partners’ needs for special time with them, which can be in competition with their children’s needs.Inserting yourself into co-parenting drama can cause problems in your relationship with your stepchild. Support your husband from the sidelines, but let him deal with his ex. Abandon any preconceived notions of how your life will be as a stepmom — and make way for reality. Trying to live up to some romanticized ideal will only cause disappointment. Their partner and his ex (the stepchildrens’ mother), make arrangements without considering the effect on the stepparent That dream began to fade away as I struggled to form a bond with her. She considered me a threat — and misbehaved to get her father's attention. Instead of living happily as a newlywed, I was miserable in my new role as a stepmom. When her father and I eventually divorced, I considered my inability to connect with her more of a failure in some ways than our marriage. I vowed to have a better relationship with my future stepchild, should I become a stepmom again.

People living in stepfamily situations need to understand that they have a different type of family than one where everyone is related. It literally has a different shape, and while they remain attached to their idea of a family, they will find it hard to manage the family they have. Stepfamilies are different; they are in some way more like a tribe, a collection of people who are connected through the children, connected rather than related. https://www.stowefamilylaw.co.uk/blog/2014/05/08/nearly-one-in-ten-children-live-in-a-stepfamily-ons-reports/ Do not assume the role as a parent liaison. You will create tension in your relationship with your husband if he feels you are undermining his authority as a parent. Years later, I found love again. While my partner and I contemplated the decision to have his teen son come live with us, I sought advice from our premarital counselor. "You need to figure out your role in his son's life and understand what you are not," he cautioned, "Lots of marriages fail under the pressure of becoming a blended family." That was something I knew all too well. Eight years ago, I married the father of a preteen girl. With my young son from a prior relationship, I thought we would form the perfect blended family. I pictured long conversations with my stepdaughter about boys and fashion — over mani-pedis and lunch dates. I imagined myself as her second mother, someone she would come to for support and advice whenever needed.Stepfamilies can be a complicated coming together of different groups, requiring the managing of new and old relationships side by side It feels different to be a stepparent than it does being a biological mother or father. Stepparents can feel that they are asked to slot into a situation that has no place for them as they have no past history with their stepchildren and ‘inherited’ with a new partner. The 2011 census identified '544,000 stepfamilies with children in the England and Wales