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The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing, Reclaim Your Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want: A Simple Plan to Stop People ... Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

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For instance, in relationships involving emotional unavailability, the more passive partner plays roles to make the emotionally unavailable person eventually spontaneously combust into being emotionally available, willing to commit, or willing to stop mistreating them. Yep, that would be people pleasing.

35 Inspirational Quotes On Saying No - AwakenTheGreatnessWithin 35 Inspirational Quotes On Saying No - AwakenTheGreatnessWithin

All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone,” said the 17th-century French philosopher Blaise Pascal. But the solution cannot be to force ourselves to sit quietly in a room alone, because, contrary to our own omnipotent fantasies and risible delusions of self-control, we cannot choose what we feel or what we think. We have to ask, why is this such an impossible thing for us to do? Why do we persist in filling our lives, even when we do not want to? What is it that we are avoiding? Ultimately, why do we continue to do the very things that make us unhappy? If you don’t say yes authentically, you say it resentfully, fearfully, or avoidantly, and that leads to far more problems than if you’d just said no in the first place. It’s time to stop living the lie that is people pleasing.

When we keep responding with the same reasoning habits, feelings, and actions, though, regardless of their truth or relevance, our subconsciouses and nervous systems interpret this as the “correct” response, which strengthens and reinforces the contents of that file. So if we say we’re “bad” each time we experienced similar feelings to the time our parents snapped at us or we didn’t do as we were told, it will become our blanket, default response to any and all associated situations, and the feelings will intensify despite it not reflecting our present-day reality and real selves. When I ask twenty- to eightysomethings why they don’t, for instance, say no at work or to family, or why they go along with things even when they feel wrong, time and again, their answers are often about fear of “getting into trouble” and how they have to “do as they’re told.” Essentially, they want to be “good.” So what’s going on here, and how did we learn to be people pleasers? Many people pleasers beat themselves up for procrastination, seeing it as yet another flawed thing about themselves. Procrastination, though, is like a release valve providing temporary relief from the exhausting habits. Whether we’re aware of it or not, and whether we’re conscious of how and when it specifically manifests in our lives, it’s a form of self-protection. Yes, sometimes we do it because we’re delaying and putting something off, but we unconsciously do it as a way of distancing ourselves from all of our yeses. You might identify with multiple styles, but one or two will dominate. Though I share examples of experiences that can precipitate adopting each style and characteristics of the roles, these can apply in the other styles, so I encourage you to read each one because they’re all people pleasing. You’ll also recognize loved (and not-so-loved) ones and the roles they play.

The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing

Each one of the statements I listed at the beginning of the chapter reflects incidences where you don’t say yes consciously or because you truly want or need to but because, on some level, you are afraid or experiencing misplaced and disproportionate guilt, trying to control something, or hoping that you will be rewarded in some way for going along with things. You also do things not because you want to but because it’s what you think is expected of you. If this weren’t the case, you’d say no when you need, want to, or should, or you’d certainly say it a helluva lot more than you have now and in the past. So many of us are triggered, and the unbearable toll of unconditional obedience on our nervous systems is why we self-medicate and anesthetize with overwork, over- or under-eating, substance abuse, shopping, sex, gambling, and other compulsive behaviors. When we do eventually reach our limits through eruptions and challenges, it can feel horrendous, but this collapse of our false self is necessary if we are to stop being in the pain we pretend we aren’t in. Identifying your style isn’t about defining and pigeonholing you; it’s understanding where you try to fit in and how your upbringing and emotional baggage manifest themselves in how you suppress and repress your needs, desires, expectations, feelings, and opinions so that you can liberate yourself from the pattern. Even though I might disguise, suppress, and repress it, I often feel resentful, obliged, overwhelmed, guilty, anxious, overloaded, drained, exhausted, low, helpless, powerless, or victimized.

Try to meet other people’s needs and desires, and influence and control their feelings and behavior. The habits of thinking and behavior we default to became roles, functions we play in our interpersonal relationships that become our everyday masks and costumes. This “part” that we believed we had to adopt and play was a response to the dynamics of our childhood environments. We made it our jobs to be and do certain things, and we derive our worth from our role(s), using them to fit in and make us feel needed, purposeful, and safe even though, because they’re based on childlike reasoning and habits, they also keep us small. The Joy of Saying No is the culmination of my seventeen-year journey as a recovering people pleaser. I started off with zero clue about boundaries and triggered by just the idea of saying no! I share everything I’ve learned in this book, including how to say no without terrifying yourself or cutting everyone off.

The Joy of Saying No - Natalie Lue - Retirement Wisdom The Joy of Saying No - Natalie Lue - Retirement Wisdom

Are you still playing a role you learned in childhood to please others, such as the Good Girl/Boy, the Overachiever, or the Helper? Though these kinds of roles may have gained us attention and affection, they prohibited us from becoming our true selves.

Some arrived at playing their role because they received positive reinforcement for being quiet, being polite, playing nice, not being selfish, being keen to please, not being like someone else who didn’t behave as well, going along with things, getting good grades, being popular, or being highly regarded. This created nervousness about disappointing anyone who seemed very invested in their being this way. I fear that I’m not good enough, and I blame it for other people’s feelings and behavior or life not going my way.

The Joy of Saying No by Natalie Lue Order your copy of The Joy of Saying No by Natalie Lue

Title: The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing, Reclaim Your Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You WantNot feeling our feelings, aside from disrupting our emotional intelligence, also creates stress. We avoid our feelings to not deal with the stress of something, not realizing that this avoidance is a stressor. And the suppressing and repressing of ourselves to please others means we ignore and distrust our wonderful bodies instead of listening to them. We comply to “keep the peace,” not realizing that there’s no peace inside us. And because we’ve gotten so used to being this way, we think we’re “fine,” not realizing we lost our sense of “fine” and our limits a long time ago. Hi, I’m Natalie, author, writer, podcaster and artist helping people eliminate emotional baggage from their lives, to create better relationships, self-esteem and work.

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