Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

Product Information

In a new book, Adam Grant argues that anyone can improve if they focus on the right skills and have the right kinds of support.

Unconditional Parenting - (Book) - Alfie Kohn

I agree with Kohn on many levels. This book is worth skimming through your local library’s copy if you are not a Psychology person and are looking for some different perspectives on parenting. But at the end of the day, just like always, do your best with what you’ve got. Try something new. And don’t let fear or habit dictate your parenting. This review is a little scattered, but it's my thoughts a few months after reading it and taken over a couple days. It's not well written but it gets the idea across. To top this all off, I breast fed my babies until they were both over two years of age. I'm a middle-of-the-road Democrat. I'm married to a PhD in Philosophy. This book seems like it was custom-written for the white- suburban-college-educated mommy that I am. Thankfully I finally got around to reading it...it has completely changed my outlook on parenting and how I interact with my kids. Are you kidding me??? So if I tell my child I love her, I actually don't? Because it means I don't show it?

Kohn would argue that he does in fact place restrictions on his children's behavior. He would say that he just puts off those restrictions until absolutely, utterly, no-choice necessary. His main points are not about behavior control, though. If he had you in the elevator and could impart some "wisdom" on you, he'd say: "Don't underestimate your children's ability to regulate themselves, reason, and make good decisions. Give them the space to do that. Don't let your upbringing dictate how you raise your own kids." One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn | Waterstones

Do everything possible to help her fall in love with what she’s doing, to pay less attention to how successful she was (or is likely to be) and show more interest in the task. That’s just another way of saying that we need to encourage more, judge less, and love always.”

Sometimes I remember reading this book and I get angry all over again. The author expects parents to be able to react perfectly in every situation and seems to believe that children are basically angels who misbehave only when they can't otherwise express themselves. While that may be true to an extent, our job as parents is not to cushion their every fall because they don't yet understand the world or their emotions, but to teach them how the world works. We can absolutely do it with compassion, but limits and structure are the best ways to go about it, not letting the child be king and then "fixing" things when they go wrong. For example, always ask your child what color of toy they prefer before buying one for them. By including them in the decision-making, you help boost their sense of confidence to make better future decisions.

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punish…

This book underscores an important parenting principle: Discipline is more about having the right relationship with your child than having the right techniques.” Ja nisam roditelj, tako da je moj legitimitet u ovim redovima solidno nepostojeći, ali mislim da je Alfie detaljno obradio temu - naravno, treba uzeti u obzir njegovo američko okruženje i kulturu. Najveća zamerka mi je dosta šturo poglavlje o kontrastu sa školom (jer teško da će učitelj odjednom promeniti sopstveni, "uslovni" način rada) i kako ga objasniti deci.Everything I’ve said in this article about unconditional parenting can be summed up in one short sentence: never stop loving your kids, no matter what! The front cover of this book describes it as "A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom about Discipline." Uh, YEAH.