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The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How to Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Cheated On

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It is our responsibility to decide what we can and can’t handle and to either engage or leave. NOT to micromanage the other party. I don’t like to see violent sexual assaults on tv a la Game of Thrones, so I fast forward through it rather than demand it stops existing. If you feel like this divorce was forced on you, that you didn’t want it, that there is something to miss—get over that. You can’t be with your cheater because you aren’t a good match. You don’t share the same ideas about love, family, and relationships. To be with that person would be squelching a fundamental part of yourself—the person who demands reciprocity, honesty, and fidelity in marriage. In a way, it’s nothing personal. You are just two people who have nothing in common except shared history.”

But if you’re rooted, if your family means the world to you, then the theft of that life is devastating. Because it’s not just that the earth opened up and swallowed up everything you hold dear, like some natural disaster. No—some idiot did this to you. Because they weren’t invested. Because it was easier to lie to you and extract value from you, and let you go on believing your world was safe when it wasn’t.” I’ve heard once that in an abusive relationship it’s impossible to reconcile unless you take care of the hidden shame and guilt held by the abuser (cheater). After they are abusive they feel shame and guilt, but cannot own them. Instead they feel threatened and uneasy. Not knowing how to process these emotions – other than denial they become angry with the person, who elicits these emotions – their victim. Feeling angry they feel validated to hurt again. It’s a vicious cycle and without a good therapist very hard to unravel.It’s not just with me that he did that. In my chumpdom, I didn’t see the red flags. He did it with friends too. He would only cop to what he thought would make him look good and then fill in the rest with his bullshit. He made plenty of innocent people look bad by flipping around the story or re-writing history so he could look like the better person. I should have figured he would do it to me too.

It’s a good wake-up call for those of us still intermittently addicted to Hopium, and what I need to read on days when I’m feeling down in the dumps about him.Infidelity is a choice. People cheat because they feel entitled to cheat. That’s it. That’s my simple answer to the painful question of why. I don’t believe people cheat because they’re broken, or they have family of origin issues, or because of the staggering powers of Facebook crushes. I don’t believe people cheat because of midlife crises, which descend on former church deacons like a toxic cloud of musk cologne. I don’t believe people cheat because of perimenopause.” Mine assured me that his mistress was very careful with her health. The implication being that she was a Kwality Person. When I busted her, my XW actually told me that she found “older, successful men irresistable”. Mind you, I’m 5 years older than her and was a partner in a pretty successful ad agency. So…that made me chopped liver, I guess. A few years ago, after some really rotten behaviour on the ex’s part, it became obvious to me that he would make me, his supposedly beloved mother, and worst of all for me, his kids, suffer pretty much anything, rather than face any unpleasant feelings, rather than allow any touch of besmearing to his image, rather than taking responsibility for any of his own behaviour. And that was that. I passionlessly looked at the mediator and said “See what I have had to deal with?”

If anyone out there is in such despair from this to consider suicide… please use the resources listed earlier and know it really does get better!!! Oh, and I forgot the best part….. the follow up. A couple of years later a friend told me he and the OW broke up because he couldn’t stop raving about what a great person I was, how wonderful, how could he have let me go???He gave away his family because he is “An old man flattered by the attentions of a beautiful young woman?” Wow. Makes us old men sound really stupid and powerless. If I was aware someone was being abused by another, I would absolutely share that information with that spouse. He had a right to know. (I sure would have wanted some brave person with a moral compass to tell me, would have given me hope for the world.) When he left he whined that “you wouldn’t help me. [Slut] is nice to me. She gives me all the time in the world.” Yes, the fact that he said that stuff to the assistant (if that was all in fact that had even happened) does not bode well for his wife. I’m not even saying the fact that he was willing to bow to her wishes in any way guarantees something similar (or worse) won’t happen in the future.

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